good friends are angels made visible

I returned from my show Thursday morning, in fact, rose at dawn, packed up and headed home. I couldn't wait to get back to the dogs, birds, cat and humans who share my life. The problem is, since my return, I've been lingering over a difficult decision that continues to play itself out inside my head ... should I give 100% to making and selling jewelry, or give it up to a hobby only, in lieu of steady work, pay and benefits. Let me first say, I've lived a life of steady work, pay and benefits... this year was the first for me to throw in the towel and give art a chance. For sure, my husband assisted me in this endeavor by fronting a great deal of the expense money.

I've always been an artist of sorts,since I was a child, always drawing, painting, photographing and writing; always seeking new avenues to express that more subtle part of myself that if given half a chance, is in truth the more colorful part of me, certainly more capable of imparting just who it is I am. The other part, just as real but not necessarily as viable, is a survivor. Nothing more. A part of me that does not thrive, but merely ... does what is necessary to get by. I learned young how to survive.

My family were all strugglers, none of them understood what it meant to thrive. Life, in effect, required survival. And usually consisted of a bare knuckle approach, a sort of dangling, never fully on the ground, never safe, always worrying about the future. This required working hopeless jobs, my mother as a fry cook and my father as a rigger in the shipyard. Both provided some semblence of security, paid the bills, paid the mortgage, but fully neglected the longings of the heart. Neglecting longings is neglecting the roadmap of desire we were all born with. My parent's fear of abject poverty, sans any attempt at going for the gold, allowed a life to be lived without too much excitement and certainly without risks and mostly, without passion. So, the child who was born out of this failure to thrive, still exists within me and sometimes wakes me up at night to remind me of all the loose ends that I am incapable of fixing. I try to return to sleep with a smile on my face, hoping to impart the calmness of that smile's simple knowing upon my invisible soul, a Taoist wisdom. Sometimes it calms her. But her fears are evident in my life, despite my attempts to supress her. Mostly, she causes me undue anxst. I don't want to let her lead me. Therein lies a struggle.

When we are young, it seems, we are more likely to take risks to find our heart's desire. As we age, we lose site of our dreams, feel our energy wain, sometimes lose hope, our bodies decline and remind us of our mortality, we aren't so pretty as we once were, we lose the power to turn heads, we grow tired. But one thing we have obtained by this time in our life, hopefully, is a handful, or even one, soul friend. A kindred spirit who cheers us on despite appearances that seem to indicate our likelihod to fail miserably. Soulfriends are blessings to be cultivated and held forever dear. If you've found one, don't let go!

Last night, I met with two such girlfriends for dinner at the Yacht club in Silverdale, both of whom I have decided are soul friends. The three of us ordered the special; broiled halibut with red potatoes and sauteed vegetables ... which was beyond wonderful, should you decide to go yourself! Fabulous, in fact, but the best part of all, for me, was just being myself, not particularly elegant or funny or entertaining, among dear friends who know me and appreciate me for who I am anyway.

We talked, laughed, cried, revealed things, swore a pact of secrecy (complete with the linking of pinkies) ... and supported each other in our dreams and hopes and possible endeavors. Supported the dreamer, in effect, the risk taker, the artist in each of us. The survivor of course, needs no support, she gets plenty of it from the nay-sayers who abound in our lives. Reminded of this, I realize we are surrounded by nay-sayers, many who don't even realize they are trying their best to keep us down, to clip our wings, to keep us from trying for the brass ring. And how lucky to instead be among those who tell us we can climb mountains, fly even, and at least encourage us to give it our best shot. Good friends are angels made visible. My friends are certainly angelic.

My hope is that in reading this, you too will take a moment to look at your own life, gather up your true friends, and decide to surround yourself with them; with those who support the creator in you, rather than those who stoke the fires of your fears. I am so grateful to have in my life a handful of women friends who are honest and wise, strong and brave, creative, funny, positive and above all, true blue.

To my soulfriends: I honor you. In my eyes, you are perfect. I am so blessed to have you in my life. I only hope I can live up to your vision of me!

~L